Lately I've been feeling a little out of touch with my elder son. Nothing dramatic, just not as connected. Feeling like a lot of our relating is transacting, rather than weaving together. And true to personality, I've been worrying about it.
Some of this, surely, must be natural. He is a schoolboy now, with a whole little world away from the home, friends whose opinions and tastes and expressions are rubbing up against and off on him all the time. He needs to pull away from us some-- identify himself with the world outside of Home as a part of becoming independent. But how much of this is "normal?" And where might I be dropping the ball relationally?
It is a strange thing to contemplate, into my seventh year of mommying full time. That I can be with my kids all the time, many many hours a week, as I am, and we can still miss each other.
So yesterday afternoon, John busied Sam with another project. Joshua had been my helper this week in the grocery store, and we bought the "Funfetti" cake mix and frosting with the colored sprinkles he has always asked for and always been refused, and we made a date. Side by side at the counter we ran the mixer, we laughed that he was much better at cracking the eggs than I, we filled the baking cups, and we were just both THERE, fully present in that moment. No deep discussions, no revelations, just a few minutes where what we were doing was being together.
He proudly presented the cupcakes for dessert after dinner, and my breath caught in my throat--- he is so tall and confident and so OURS and yet so OTHER. He is working me out of a job, this boy. But he needs me yet, more than he admits, and together we will navigate these strange and beautiful years to come. Steady on.
3 comments:
Tears in my EYES!!!! Oh Missy, What beautiful pain you speak of. The tension of holding them close and letting him go. Yet I can't believe it already starts that young. Glad I can watch and learn from you. I love hearing how you navigate those tensions. I love your present mommying and your respect of your boys as future adults.
And by the way, sometimes, do you feel like we're simply blogging to each other? How hilarious. I love it.
OK, friend, I have to totally laugh, because I do feel that way. This morning I was thinking-- maybe we just need to get a chat room. Bwahaha!!!
Missy, I just want you to know that your writing just touches my heart. No matter what you write about it evokes such emotion in me as I read it. And I want to ask if you mind if I link your blog in a post at my site.
This post was beautiful. I can totally relate. My boy is now 15 and we've been doing the holding close, letting go dance for awhile now. But you know, he still will want to do some things, just me and him and I treasure those times!
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